Journey To A Fresh Start

1. God placed the best things in life on the other side of terror

On the phone with a leader from our community to talk potential business. "Sis Banks, I have your picture on my fridge. That is how much my family and I love you. I had never been to Atlanta but I came for your wedding." My heart tugged, should I tell him that the wedding he sacrificed to attend is now no more? That his labor of love fell on unyielding soil. I chose not too. What good would it do? I made a few conversational comments, one or two giggles and was off the phone. He probably knows already but was waiting for me to confirm it.  It's been 31 months since I filed for divorce. 930 days of being emotionally ravaged by the very person who promised to have and to hold me through thick and thin. The very person who stood at the altar before God and before men. Men like my community leader on the phone who sacrificed to witness my life's  event - a wedding in his eyes but my unbecoming in reality.  Look before you leap.

It was October 2015. Each day felt like being in the eye of the storm. Court dates, witness stands, CPS visits, therapy, mummy duty, work, attorney calls/emails...work. Every aspect of my life allowed a true expression of the devastating emotions I was feeling...every aspect except work. At work I had to look like I had it all together, but what I actually felt was shame. Soon I got too ashamed to sit at my open cube. I felt like 'abused' and 'unwanted' sat glaringly on my forehead. With some luck, I found an empty office on an isolated floor. The ghostly floor gave me comfort but I still felt like a criminal at the gallows...like a phony. I had fooled the world with my dainty appearances - a far contrast to the 99 cents I felt my spouse had auctioned me off for. There had to be somewhere else to hide. To hide the shame I felt from the spousal abuse, rejection, the unremorseful post abuse encounters.  The empty/isolated floor was not enough.  In sheer exasperation, my