Parenting Style...the foundation for a persons life
How do you tell your mom, who you've looked up to and admired all your life that she set you up for abuse with her constant "corrections" aka criticisms?
How do you tell your dad, who was mostly distant, with a high expectation to be revered by his children that he had a part to play in this faulty foundation?
In 2017 I sat in one of my victims of domestic violence therapy sessions and was shocked when my therapist said these words, "typically people who end up married to narcissists experienced childhood abuse." I immediately became defensive of my childhood, defending how I preferred the Nigerian way of raising children because the proof is in the pudding i.e. more American children are generally lazy, very disrespectful, many do drugs and crime ending up dead or in jail. By my extrapolation, this quonondrum was due to the lax parenting style enabled by the American system and culture.
Fast forward 2019, my parents, now aged, visit America for medical treatments and all hell breaks loose for me psychologically because it seems I have been thrown back to the very marriage environment I had been fighting in court for years to get out of. An environment of constant criticisms aka "corrections", skillful play with words to get what one wants aka "manipulation", then "bullying" aka reverential African culture. Yes, you guessed right, I was being triggered by my very own family!
While I understand that victims of narcissitic abuse become highly sensitive to "normal" day to day interactions the heightened state of psychological stress I now felt at home made me realize the unintended consequence of such hard core "Nigerian" parenting style. My opinion, it does nothing but send a message that a child is not good enough and has to press haaard, work even haaaarder all in the hopes of being acknowledged with a "good job", "well done my child" validation from one's parents.
In 2019, two years after that interaction with Sarah, and almost fours years after the day I made the decision to end my neglectful, abusive marriage - inspite of discouragement from some family members and my then church home. This many years later, I finally connected where my then need for external validation stemmed from. All my life, I have worked hard just so my parents can finally say, "we are proud of you."
Now if a non-affirming, - until you bleed blood parenting style is not the perfect incubator to produce a co-dependent female daughter, perfect for a sociopathic narcissist to sink his highly critical, manipulative, unempathetic, 2-faced claws into then I don't know what else is.
I was a perfect prey, only disguised and unrecognizable by my educational and corporate America accolades, not so bad looks and confident persona I wore around to hide the timid child I once was and was ashamed to admit.
Which way is right then? The "American" way of parenting as my parents liked to call it or the "Nigerian" way of parenting as I now refer to my childhood?
I'd be lying if I told you I had the answer. However, I can authentically say I am still figuring it out as I raise my son and daughter. As of today, I believe it should be a good balance of a hug and a tug.
Overly indulged and over protected children ("hug" only environment) grow up with an annoying sense of entitlement. While overly corrected and emotionally unattended children may end up insecure with a huge sense of not good enough...and a need to constantly prove their worth.
If you are a parent, watch what message you may be sending your child. Each parenting style carries with it both intended and unintended consequences.
Again, I am still learning. The proof I like to say is in the pudding. To my children, J.O and T.O. please prove me right o! Do not disappoint. I pray we no longer encounter life's unfair curve balls. Love you both loads as we three pretty much figure it out together one day at a time.
How do you tell your dad, who was mostly distant, with a high expectation to be revered by his children that he had a part to play in this faulty foundation?
In 2017 I sat in one of my victims of domestic violence therapy sessions and was shocked when my therapist said these words, "typically people who end up married to narcissists experienced childhood abuse." I immediately became defensive of my childhood, defending how I preferred the Nigerian way of raising children because the proof is in the pudding i.e. more American children are generally lazy, very disrespectful, many do drugs and crime ending up dead or in jail. By my extrapolation, this quonondrum was due to the lax parenting style enabled by the American system and culture.
Fast forward 2019, my parents, now aged, visit America for medical treatments and all hell breaks loose for me psychologically because it seems I have been thrown back to the very marriage environment I had been fighting in court for years to get out of. An environment of constant criticisms aka "corrections", skillful play with words to get what one wants aka "manipulation", then "bullying" aka reverential African culture. Yes, you guessed right, I was being triggered by my very own family!
While I understand that victims of narcissitic abuse become highly sensitive to "normal" day to day interactions the heightened state of psychological stress I now felt at home made me realize the unintended consequence of such hard core "Nigerian" parenting style. My opinion, it does nothing but send a message that a child is not good enough and has to press haaard, work even haaaarder all in the hopes of being acknowledged with a "good job", "well done my child" validation from one's parents.
In 2019, two years after that interaction with Sarah, and almost fours years after the day I made the decision to end my neglectful, abusive marriage - inspite of discouragement from some family members and my then church home. This many years later, I finally connected where my then need for external validation stemmed from. All my life, I have worked hard just so my parents can finally say, "we are proud of you."
Now if a non-affirming, - until you bleed blood parenting style is not the perfect incubator to produce a co-dependent female daughter, perfect for a sociopathic narcissist to sink his highly critical, manipulative, unempathetic, 2-faced claws into then I don't know what else is.
I was a perfect prey, only disguised and unrecognizable by my educational and corporate America accolades, not so bad looks and confident persona I wore around to hide the timid child I once was and was ashamed to admit.
Which way is right then? The "American" way of parenting as my parents liked to call it or the "Nigerian" way of parenting as I now refer to my childhood?
I'd be lying if I told you I had the answer. However, I can authentically say I am still figuring it out as I raise my son and daughter. As of today, I believe it should be a good balance of a hug and a tug.
Overly indulged and over protected children ("hug" only environment) grow up with an annoying sense of entitlement. While overly corrected and emotionally unattended children may end up insecure with a huge sense of not good enough...and a need to constantly prove their worth.
If you are a parent, watch what message you may be sending your child. Each parenting style carries with it both intended and unintended consequences.
Again, I am still learning. The proof I like to say is in the pudding. To my children, J.O and T.O. please prove me right o! Do not disappoint. I pray we no longer encounter life's unfair curve balls. Love you both loads as we three pretty much figure it out together one day at a time.
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