9 years now! When Is Enough enough

<Sigh>:
If anyone had told me in when I filed for divorce in 2015 that nine years later I would still be in divorce court, I would have said they were speaking out of sorts. Alas! 9 years later here I am scheduled for another October court date - another birthday thinking about/preparing for court. 

How do I feel? Depressed that's for sure - I have always hated that word but I feel like I can't run from it anymore. 
I thought, at least my dad would get an opportunity to see me settled and happy before he dies. "Okanlanwan, are you happy?" He seemed to be the only one in my household really concerned about my true well being. The only one who looked beyond the smile I put on my face to hide how I really felt inside - WEARY.

I thought I would be 100% free of my ex by now.  Instead we are still in court. His latest fight - medical support arrearage. When is enough, enough - 401k settlement vs. child support arrearage vs. medical support owned vs. geographical restriction vs. children being able to travel to Nigeria. I FEEL WEARY. Yes, that is the word I have been looking for - WEARY...my soul feels spent. Mr. G used the phrase, "I am empty" last night and I knew exactly what he meant and what that feels like.

Smart and driven as I am I have not been able to complete a mere pitch deck on my own. Instead I am leaning on people who also have their own personal life challenges for help.

What's the plan here Lord? To beat me down till I loose every light within? Or till I loose every "Felicia" spirit? 
To have a woman, "a weaker vessel" go from one major life stress to another - non-stop - does not feel like Agape love. 
From corporate America work stress to business stress to single parenting stress to only daughter of aged parents stress to unending divorce court stress to ex-wife of a sociapath stress to house water damage stress to multiple deaths in the family stress to relational stress and more recently car breaking down on the highway stress. I AM WEARY in my body, soul, mind and spirit.  My counselor told me last week - "I don't know how you do it, if it was me I'd have been seen running naked on the street."
Hmmm...such validating words from someone whose job it is to help me cope/heal. So how have I been doing it? Well, I just put on a smile to compartmentalize my weariness and I put one foot in front of the other to stay busy. 

Truth is I don't want to do that anymore...

I am here in New York trying to forge a new career path but in truth, I just want to curl up in a dark room and cry till I wake up to a less oppressed life.

How much longer Lord? I AM TIRED! Man cannot help me, only you can - even my childhood best friend deserted me in the thick of it.

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