Other - Escaping through encouraging others

 I just did it again.  Bunmi C, asked me how I was but I focus on encouraging her. I resolve to lifting and encouraging others. Being funny when I am actually in deep emotional pain.  In the last 24 hrs I have checked on: Chioma NJ- Sandra Anojulus friend,  called Sandra Anojulu to check on her, called Loretta to encourage her, called Kenny to check on her mom, I had long conversation with Femi answering her questions/ recalling things I would rather forget. Called Bunmi Akindebe, Jane Nsunwara to check on them. Even summoned the courage to send an uplifting text to my show no vulnerability- strong personality Aunty - the family matriarch. Sometimes I wish I was like her - a rock. In my 44 yrs only seen her vulnerable once. 

Why do I do this encouragement form of escapism? After allowing myself to be still in the much dreaded quiet of my now empty house - this gave room, allowed me to feel my emotions, I gave permission to myself to cry. Then I realize its because I think encouraging others will help take the focus off my pain.

The pain. So what is the root of this pain - as the emotions welled up, I realized that though I surround myself with many I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. Feels like everywhere I find myself I feel like an "other." I thought I had found my soul mate in Lincoln- only to be ripped apart and terrorized by his personality. He added on to things I need to heal from. 

Do I even know who I am? Hmmm...not sure as I have always allowed myself to morph into whatever the other party or situation needed me to be. I thought of it as a strength - accomodating, tolerant, adaptable. I remember as far back as primary school when I first learned about the organism - amoeba- thinking to myself "sounds like me" - adaptable.

Now I wonder, did/does that do nothing but open me up to be abused?

Enough introspection for one day. I am going to watch TV - another escapism activity of mine 🙂

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