Updating my views

 "Update your views effectively (beliefs are hypothesis to be tested not treasures to be protected"). I could not find the words to describe the phase I stumbled into from end of October 2021 to November 2022. It was a very weird phase in my journey. A period were I was testing every thing I held true in the area of chastity. All my life I wore the good girl label like a badge of honor. Wore it with pride and dignity. It was a BIG part of my identity, a huge part of who I was. Until October 2021 after that major blow out with my mom, followed immediately by what felt like a betrayal by my children - I think something broke. Not physically but emotionally and spiritually. That night I cursed at my children for even entertaining the idea of going to live with dad, his girlfriend and new kid. This was not the 1st time they romanticed the idea with me. While my logical brain knew, they were too naive and too unassuming to realize they were being manipulated and enticed with worldly things, it did not stop my heart from breaking. 

I reached my breaking point that fall, because what was supposed to be an evening of me supporting a friend by attending her father in law's memorial service, ended up being an evening of drunken depression and loneliness where by the next day I came home with a stranger and got intimate with him - throwing all caution to the wind and damning all consequences. Yes, i was over my personal threshold limit on alcohol but that is not an excuse. All I remember prior to then was me aching for psychological relief from the pain of neglect, conflict, constant invalidation by my mom and what felt like the utmost betrayal by the very ones I had sacrificed soo much for and used my body and mind as a human shield for - the children.  It broke me. I was broken and I needed fixing. I ached for human contact, for someone to just hold me and tell me it'll be okay but alas there was no one. My mom's siblings had risen up in indignant protest against me on her behalf.  I felt once again it was me vs. them and human touch was going to make me feel better so I gave my soul permission for the 1st time to be with a man who was already committed to another.