Help! Am swimming while drowning

2007 to 2018: 11 years of emotional and mental torture! The physical cruelty does not compare to the agony inflicted on the unseen part of my person. All due to the decision to marry this one person. I always knew one's choice of spouse can make or break a life, however I did not give it the due weight it deserves. This is now too much for me to bear, but I wear my smile and live each day - swimming while drowning. 

God! Help me! Deliver me from this relational frustration with my Ex. Take away this thorn in my flesh: endless court appearances, endless hours exposing lies after lies after lies has become a full time job. $100K+ in attorney fees! Countless hours preparing court documents. All this with a masked smile to the world...all the while swimming while drowning.

The routine has become familiar: Therapy -- work -- SM🙂LE. Anxiety suppressants -- church -- SM🙂LE. Yoga -- work -- SM🙂LE. On and on like clockwork...swimming while drowning.

I need you Lord, speak your encouragement, help me hear: one sentence, one phrase, one word, I'll take. Jolt me back from disconnectedness from you. No more just going through the motions, drowning myself in activities and media to avoid the pain.

Final divorce trial, now set for October 16, my birthday, perhaps its meant to be the birthing process of the new me. I cannot wait to meet me on the other side of all this. Banke 3.0 (renamed Faye Banks) reborn October 16 2018. Hello World! I say thank you to the lessons learned from Banke 1.0 born October 16 1976. And to the endearing naivety that came with Banke 2.0 (born again June 1990), I say thank you...now on to the next chapter.

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