One fight, Two graves

There is a old Chinese saying "if you choose to fight for revenge you must first dig two graves."🤜 💔 💣🤛  So true! This is evident in high conflict divorce (basically war) weigh your intention. Revenge? Justice? Fairness? Freedom?

When at war, even if you 'win', take careful note of what you lost i.e. things you had to sacrifice to gain that 'victory'.

Vengeance is mine says the Lord. I heard that in my spirit multiple times through the 3+ years my divorce process dragged for. At the end of my divorce trial, the jury ruled  "no - finding of assault". That ruling cut deep, like being assaulted all over again -  this time by 10 strangers. How could they deny the obvious! The testimonies (from police, CPS, Sarah Garay of the fort bend womens center for domestic violence). All this evidence...the TRUTH.

My money, mind, many moments measured in years put into gaining my freedom the correct way, all gone for this OUTCOME!???!

Does this old Chinese saying apply to those who fight for Freedom / Justice?  - "If you choose to fight for revenge you must first dig two graves."

After 3+ years, we both lost something: time with our kids, emotions, money, mental strain etc! He may have been glad to receive "no finding of assault" in divorce court and unfairly received a $80k of my 401k - after cleverly hiding our real estate investments from reach. He may have succeeded in reducing the value of our marital home by perfidiously increasing the associated debt, he even may have been smarter than me and my lawyers after all (as he had claimed to our son) but in the grand scheme of things that really matter in life - I choose to believe I won.
Yes, all I have to do is shift my thinking to focus on the things that really matters most -

1. Seeing my children each evening when I come home from work without being stifled by his presence, neglect, control and psychopathic gaslighting manipulations.

2. Sleeping and waking up to their hugs, kisses and loving words each night and morning...priceless!

3. The friends and supporters I gained through the years of folks who made sacrifices to carry me through.

4. His friends and family that I gained as they boldly made the decision to support me despite their longer history and blood ties with him.

5. The friends/church family I painfully but courageously walked away from after realizing, they did not have the courage to pick a side.

6. The wisdom to discern. To test all motives and intentions of folks who come into my life. ALL... - even professed Christians.

7. Learning through the intense pain to no longer throw my precious pearls to swines. Thanks Kelvin Itoadun for that phrase!

8. Learning to set boundaries. Practicing the art of training folks on how to treat me (gratitude to Ayo for this one). Being willing to walk away from relationships that drain my energy.

In the above lies my biggest victory and for that I say that I am eternally grateful to my Ex for the traumatic, gut wrenching experience of being married to and divorcing him. 
I am:

* Most grateful for the RESILIENCE built from years of marital turmoil.

* Thankful for the COURAGE and FEARLESSNESS I am learning to channel as a result of the need to survive the mind twisting, gut wrenching pressure of a high conflict divorce while maintaining a good standing at a high pressure role at work.

* HUMBLED by the new friendships I gained and old friendships strengthened when I finally SURRENDERED TO THE HUMANNESS OF BEING VULNERABLE.

I was born Olubanke Felicia Balogun a timid, shy and pretty much friendless little girl trying to find her place in a world surrounded by only brothers and uncles - a man's world, where the girl serves and the men rule.

Now 42, I am finally growing into being comfortable in my own skin, accepting who I am - whatever that might be in the moment 🤣. All in all, being me without needing anyone's permission, validation or approval.

Learning daily to set boundaries so as not to be swallowed up by the viciousness of 'wounded' people posing as bullies.

Learning the balance of being able to set these boundaries without loosing the core of who I am.

Learning to not mistake sheeps for wolves - wounded people who create a tough exterior.

How can I be:

Empathetic but also Firm

Fun loving but also taken seriously, 

Hospitable to others while not neglecting my needs.

Open to diverse pool of friends from various religious backgrounds and mindsets, while still holding on to my core faith beliefs.

This is what I need to master so as to be self actualized. This is the life's lesson I need to learn from this experience.