Journey To A Fresh Start

In court again. I was on the stand. The opposing council (OC) came with lies...referring to a document. The lies became so obvious that the OC ran out of the court room in shame. The Judge, annoyed at them (realizing that they were time wasting liars) but still in her usual poker face pleasantness, asked me what I wanted. I started telling her amidst intense bouts of the ugly cry - I was almost incomprehensible. "I want to be se-se-pa-(sniff) (sniff)-ra-t-t-ted from him...hugh....No! I mean divorced from him, I want primary rights to make decisions for the children without depending on his agreement because he is a bully." The Judge was writing as I spoke. I crouched down...holding my belly as if trying to stop the fountain of tears from there. At that moment, Tumi and Temi come to embrace me on the stand.  Then...I woke up!  It was a dream! Wow! What a dream! Now awake, I thought to myself, this was a promising dream, but why the intense weeping in this dream?  I guess t

May 16th, 2018 was a good day in court.  Many of his lies where exposed to his shame. Back child support awarded,  attorney fees awarded. We expressed willingness to settle and move on.  We suggest he keep his stuff and I keep mine. He resists. "I am still entitled to at least 30% of her 401k. He insists the money I was awarded be deducted from 'his share' of the 401k." I shake my head.  What a disgrace of a man!  In spite of fraudulently transfering and hiding over $200k in marital assets he wants to split what I have left get a decent home for the kids and I - like a master insisting the slave buy his freedom. Like pharoah, stiff necked, unmoving in spite of the plagues. He digs his stubborn fangs deep in the ground, with a sense of entitlement, ready to reap from where he has not sown.  Ready to make a person he once called wife,  mother to his children pay to be free of his wickedness. The story of the Jews comes to mind.  Aren't there many stories analogous

"I am smarter than mummy and her lawyers." Justin our son told me dad had said that to him. What will make a grown man say that to his son bewildered me. Inspite of it, I press on in court fighting to be free.  Not just any freedom but freedom laced with justice, truth, courage to stand up against my abuser. What was my motive, there may have been many, changing as the months and years of the divorce suit rolled by but primarily it was to be free. Free of his bullying, control. Free to make decisions for my life and that of the kids. Spoke my truth in court but the jury heard what they wanted to hear and ruled in favor of my abuser. Is this the justice man has to offer? Empowering my abuser with a verdict of "No assault." My heart aches from it. I feel let down by church and county. I have to forge a new way to exist despite such verdict but I hope he has learned not to bully me anymore.

...I should fear no evil.

Enough is enough said the judge as we stood before her on May 16th 2018 - during yet another temporary order hearing. We are setting this case for final so these people can move on with their lives. It's been almost 3 years the divorce was filed. Oh am sure she saw my nod of agreement. My prayers were answered! I had asked, believed and now I am receiving! I won't be leaving the same way I came though. Many times I feel different...broken is putting it more specifically: - my head hurts physically when I am presented with a lot of data at once. - sometimes my thoughts keep going on autodrive and I can't make them stop - I recently observed I don't feel comfortable with idleness-moving instead from one task to another. - on bad days I got panic attacks being around too many people. Into pieces, this man broke me. All I want to do is get as far away from him in every aspect of life   as I possibly can. Rebuild with the priceless wisdom I gained through the process

There are many times we mean well

I received a package in the mail today - it was my Nigerian passport. When I opened it I could not help but notice the drastic difference between the picture in this new passport (2018 - 7 years older) vs. the expired one (2011). The new passport book had a face - that just looked normal. The old one...well see below for yourself - sad, dejected, hair unkept, eyes sunken, forced smile. Same person, years later...aged happier! How can this be? Its Freedom!  Free from a marriage where I felt invisible, subdued, unattractive, unwanted, unheard, cheated on, ignored, manipulated, gaslighted...abused - physically and emotionally. This taught me that the climbing of age is not the kryptonite of youth. Quicker deterioration of youth comes from prolonged stress! An example - unhappy marriage, terminal sickness, stressful job, etc. Failed marriage is taboo in my culture, but how come this massive failure ushered me into a happier existence?

In the words of Zainab Salbi -  speaker and humanitarian for abused women - when a person tells their story they are like a candle helping others heal/light the way (paraphrased). Zainab helps women of war torn countries.  Perhaps this blog would help women of domestic abuse and/or high conflict divorce torn homes - a war in itself just of a different kind. If you are reading this and are or have experienced such, know that you are not alone. You are not your experience. It really does happen to the least and greatest of us. From the woman next door to Janet Jackson.  Shame is your enemy, exposing the experience is your friend. Speak your truth to erase the lies etched in your 'psychy' through the harhness of abuse and put downs. Empower yourself with  positive "I am" declarations: Hello world, my name is Banke and I am a survivor!