Journey To A Fresh Start

The wound is the place where the light enters you, a quote from the movie. A wrinkle in time. I go to court tomorrow for my final trial. Its been 11 years of marital hell, 3+ years of divorce hell and torture. Do I know this to be true? Does a light really shine through my wounds? According to Oprah, she says about this quote, "there is not one single difficulty you experience that will be wasted. Everything is showing up to make you who you were meant to be."

Promise...Good start...Anticipation...Growth...Love...Marriage...Seperation...Adaptation...Hope...Heart Break...Loooong Divorce...Breakdown...Rise up...Unjust jury verdict. What has become of my life's path? If I had wings like a bird, I would fly, far far away, make a new life. Avoid the same mistakes. This time: - Follow my instincts, - Believe it when a person shows me who they are - Take a hint. But for now the only recourse I have is to lean on the One who gives Beauty for ashes, Oil of Joy for mourning, the Garment of Praise for the spirit of heaviness. Scheduled to be in court tomorrow...I am nervous. I scroll through the records online to verify what time I need to be there...<scroll>...<scroll>...<scroll>...am convinced we must have the longest case in the county. Feeling light headed,  I say a prayer.

About a week ago,  I dreamt of being stalked by a crocodile in what seemed to be my home.  I saw myself spotting the croc and cutting off its head with one swoop of a sword. The dictionary of dreams interpreted this mean emotional, mental, physical victory that shall bring about success beyond ones wildest expectations. May it be so in Jesus name.

Its been almost 3 years, the end is near, but why do I suddenly feel the deep ache of a broken heart? The feeling is familiar,  though it's been a while - like a fresh wound revealed beneath an old scab. Its the ache of a heart that once loved deeply but got cruelty back. Getting nothing back during 8 years of marriage, - I thought was hard however it pales in comparison to post divorce petition.   I hope I love again, I pray I do.This time for sure with someone who can love me back.

What's the cure for a broken heart and trauma inflicted by the love of ones life? What's the remedy for psychological inflictions from the very person who vowed to love and to hold. I have resisted the thought of admitting this for years now but today I give in.  I give in to the fact that I may be depressed. No shame, no to the shame that wants to follow this admission to self. An admission that many probably already see and know but I resisted to myself...depressed. Who won't be after years of wicked unimaginable, psychological oppression at the hands of the man I loved.

Jury verdict was like being assaulted all over again. Just this time by 10 strangers. There was no basis for it. For them to have found "No assault" is flabbergasting. Very unfair... Who sees the weight of evidence: police testimony, assault pictures, cps testimony and reports, his apology text and still rules "No" to assault. Such injustice in the self professed land of justice.  $100k in attorney fees, all to protect myself from my abuser, to find my voice, to raise our kids without his abusive power and control. Very disappointing but very eye opening. Court is not for vengeance but alas, I knew that.  I sought it for protection from abusive bullying. I thought maybe it could achieve what church, family, nor professional counseling had not been able to.  3+ years later however that mindset has changed. Changed by my 3+ years with the criminal and divorce court system.  Solilidified by Gavin De Becker's book - "The gift of fear"; cemented by the ma

Ma simi le aye, a word of wisdom from my native tongue which means do not rest on the world (do not rely on man) holds more experiential meaning to me more now than ever before.  "9-1-1 what is your emergency?" Those where the words on the other side of the phone as I sat at my front door bleeding from my forehead,  panicking at what harm could be happening to my kids who where still inside with him. Then in what felt like forever, there were cops, first responders, red and blue lights...blood...neighbors taking in the sight like extras at a movie shoot. That faithful day, I was nicely patched up at the hospital - forehead scar barely visible. Little did I know the toughest part of the experience was yet to begin.

In court again. I was on the stand. The opposing council (OC) came with lies...referring to a document. The lies became so obvious that the OC ran out of the court room in shame. The Judge, annoyed at them (realizing that they were time wasting liars) but still in her usual poker face pleasantness, asked me what I wanted. I started telling her amidst intense bouts of the ugly cry - I was almost incomprehensible. "I want to be se-se-pa-(sniff) (sniff)-ra-t-t-ted from him...hugh....No! I mean divorced from him, I want primary rights to make decisions for the children without depending on his agreement because he is a bully." The Judge was writing as I spoke. I crouched down...holding my belly as if trying to stop the fountain of tears from there. At that moment, Tumi and Temi come to embrace me on the stand.  Then...I woke up!  It was a dream! Wow! What a dream! Now awake, I thought to myself, this was a promising dream, but why the intense weeping in this dream?  I guess t

May 16th, 2018 was a good day in court.  Many of his lies where exposed to his shame. Back child support awarded,  attorney fees awarded. We expressed willingness to settle and move on.  We suggest he keep his stuff and I keep mine. He resists. "I am still entitled to at least 30% of her 401k. He insists the money I was awarded be deducted from 'his share' of the 401k." I shake my head.  What a disgrace of a man!  In spite of fraudulently transfering and hiding over $200k in marital assets he wants to split what I have left get a decent home for the kids and I - like a master insisting the slave buy his freedom. Like pharoah, stiff necked, unmoving in spite of the plagues. He digs his stubborn fangs deep in the ground, with a sense of entitlement, ready to reap from where he has not sown.  Ready to make a person he once called wife,  mother to his children pay to be free of his wickedness. The story of the Jews comes to mind.  Aren't there many stories analogous

"I am smarter than mummy and her lawyers." Justin our son told me dad had said that to him. What will make a grown man say that to his son bewildered me. Inspite of it, I press on in court fighting to be free.  Not just any freedom but freedom laced with justice, truth, courage to stand up against my abuser. What was my motive, there may have been many, changing as the months and years of the divorce suit rolled by but primarily it was to be free. Free of his bullying, control. Free to make decisions for my life and that of the kids. Spoke my truth in court but the jury heard what they wanted to hear and ruled in favor of my abuser. Is this the justice man has to offer? Empowering my abuser with a verdict of "No assault." My heart aches from it. I feel let down by church and county. I have to forge a new way to exist despite such verdict but I hope he has learned not to bully me anymore.

...I should fear no evil.

Enough is enough said the judge as we stood before her on May 16th 2018 - during yet another temporary order hearing. We are setting this case for final so these people can move on with their lives. It's been almost 3 years the divorce was filed. Oh am sure she saw my nod of agreement. My prayers were answered! I had asked, believed and now I am receiving! I won't be leaving the same way I came though. Many times I feel different...broken is putting it more specifically: - my head hurts physically when I am presented with a lot of data at once. - sometimes my thoughts keep going on autodrive and I can't make them stop - I recently observed I don't feel comfortable with idleness-moving instead from one task to another. - on bad days I got panic attacks being around too many people. Into pieces, this man broke me. All I want to do is get as far away from him in every aspect of life   as I possibly can. Rebuild with the priceless wisdom I gained through the process

There are many times we mean well

I received a package in the mail today - it was my Nigerian passport. When I opened it I could not help but notice the drastic difference between the picture in this new passport (2018 - 7 years older) vs. the expired one (2011). The new passport book had a face - that just looked normal. The old one...well see below for yourself - sad, dejected, hair unkept, eyes sunken, forced smile. Same person, years later...aged happier! How can this be? Its Freedom!  Free from a marriage where I felt invisible, subdued, unattractive, unwanted, unheard, cheated on, ignored, manipulated, gaslighted...abused - physically and emotionally. This taught me that the climbing of age is not the kryptonite of youth. Quicker deterioration of youth comes from prolonged stress! An example - unhappy marriage, terminal sickness, stressful job, etc. Failed marriage is taboo in my culture, but how come this massive failure ushered me into a happier existence?

In the words of Zainab Salbi -  speaker and humanitarian for abused women - when a person tells their story they are like a candle helping others heal/light the way (paraphrased). Zainab helps women of war torn countries.  Perhaps this blog would help women of domestic abuse and/or high conflict divorce torn homes - a war in itself just of a different kind. If you are reading this and are or have experienced such, know that you are not alone. You are not your experience. It really does happen to the least and greatest of us. From the woman next door to Janet Jackson.  Shame is your enemy, exposing the experience is your friend. Speak your truth to erase the lies etched in your 'psychy' through the harhness of abuse and put downs. Empower yourself with  positive "I am" declarations: Hello world, my name is Banke and I am a survivor!

1. God placed the best things in life on the other side of terror

On the phone with a leader from our community to talk potential business. "Sis Banks, I have your picture on my fridge. That is how much my family and I love you. I had never been to Atlanta but I came for your wedding." My heart tugged, should I tell him that the wedding he sacrificed to attend is now no more? That his labor of love fell on unyielding soil. I chose not too. What good would it do? I made a few conversational comments, one or two giggles and was off the phone. He probably knows already but was waiting for me to confirm it.  It's been 31 months since I filed for divorce. 930 days of being emotionally ravaged by the very person who promised to have and to hold me through thick and thin. The very person who stood at the altar before God and before men. Men like my community leader on the phone who sacrificed to witness my life's  event - a wedding in his eyes but my unbecoming in reality.  Look before you leap.

It was October 2015. Each day felt like being in the eye of the storm. Court dates, witness stands, CPS visits, therapy, mummy duty, work, attorney calls/emails...work. Every aspect of my life allowed a true expression of the devastating emotions I was feeling...every aspect except work. At work I had to look like I had it all together, but what I actually felt was shame. Soon I got too ashamed to sit at my open cube. I felt like 'abused' and 'unwanted' sat glaringly on my forehead. With some luck, I found an empty office on an isolated floor. The ghostly floor gave me comfort but I still felt like a criminal at the gallows...like a phony. I had fooled the world with my dainty appearances - a far contrast to the 99 cents I felt my spouse had auctioned me off for. There had to be somewhere else to hide. To hide the shame I felt from the spousal abuse, rejection, the unremorseful post abuse encounters.  The empty/isolated floor was not enough.  In sheer exasperation, my

Another conversation with my attorney - again its focused on how the two attorneys are yet to agree on how the $50K should be withdrawn from my 401k and split between them. Its been over 4 weeks and they cannot agree on quadro vs. non quadro - stating lack of trust on both sides. I am super frustrated at this point. "Can we talk about what needs to be done to finalize this divorce?!" "If I am coming short $50K, can it at least be that the divorce is final!" What kind of system rewards an abusive person, who lies and manipulates his way through the court system - with the payment of his attorney fees from the victim's funds. This is after he has lied his way to reducing child support from $1800 to $650 per month for two children. Stating he is not gainfully employed...smh.  I have suffered being kicked out of the marital home with both kids, legal badgering from his attorney, being bullied through discovery in-spite of his lack of response to mine, a nervous br

Nothing sifts the soul better than the pain of trials. The kind of trials that made me -  a 26 year old believer in the Lord, question the fundamentals of my faith. How can I, who lived sacrificially in youth, chaste in spinsterhood end up marrying what turned out to be my life's worst nightmare. Its been 30 months since the  bloody abuse and I am still trying to get divorced. Abused in marriage, now legally abused in divorce. I learned many things: I learned why the caged Bird sings,  i learned people are inadequate to the rescue, i learned u don't take the fight to where the enemy is most comfortable. But most of all I am learning anger and fear can only protect you so far. The best verdict i gave myself is letting go. Forgiving the offender, cause in that I find my peace.

A stranger glances in my direction and says "you look nice". I looked behind me, very sure he had to be referring to someone else. "I mean you" he said, looking at me. Blushing and ashamed I said "thank you." Why shame? Shame, because at that moment you feel exposed - the whole world can now see that despite the effort you put into looking glam, you don't feel so. It wasn't always like that, just the output of years of neglect, being silenced, yelled at, charged at.........hit The output of a narcissistic marriage. 

Till court do us part...and children keep us bound.  You dream of a new live away from your abusive spouse. You summon the courage to walk away. However many court days, attorneys and 000's of dollars later you realize you are still bound to the cruel personality by the children you bore together - what is supposed to be a blessing, now seems to be a handcuff to your nightmare. I can't help but imagine how much easier walking away would have been if children were not involved 🤔. How I wish my children came to me through a different person! Since wishes are not horses I have to 'will' a new type of freedom. A freedom that transcends what any family court papers can grant me.  I feel it'll need to involve a new mindset - one that does not fall for his narcissistic baits.

Super discouraging! Such injustice! I looked to the church elders for help but either they were distracted by what IT service the church can gain from him as volunteer work or they were swayed by his lies enveloped in charm. Then the severe beating came and out of the fear that followed I ran to the court. Little did I know this is a den of thieves (attorneys with the judge being in cohorts). A place where lies prevails over truth and exposing the lies with evidence is an expensive undertaking. Where manipulation is the order of the day. I feel like justice is not to be had there. Even my legal freedom from the marriage is delayed by the lengthy court process and protocols. Will I ever be free of the narcissist I married? For my freedom I lift up my eyes to the hills from where my help comes from.  My help comes from the Lord...not man.