Journey To A Fresh Start

I am safe now. My fear of homelessness is alleviated...mostly. As of today I have enough to pay off our home at 5718 Brook Bend Dr. this is a miracle! This is divine. Today, Nov 9th, I just paid down my mortgage to 200k left (let me just be looking at the remaining money for some time b4 I pay it all off 🤣).  I am in awe of what God has done. Me a squatter with Aunty Tolu, Lara and Nkem - during the course of my tumultuous marriage, a nomad (moved 7 times in 5 years), a renter. A woman who was asked to move out of the marital home like I was picked up from the street. Formerly, a regular timid little girl from Moradeyo st., Maza maza, Lagos. Aaah! ...oluwa to bi lo ba.  The abuse started many years prior but around September 2015, I left our home on Mound Lake Dr - to stay with my friend Nkem - fearing for my safety. A few days prior, my husband at the time attacked me physically. He punched and kicked me numerous times - bellowing the phrase "do you think you can be rude to my m

 "Update your views effectively (beliefs are hypothesis to be tested not treasures to be protected"). I could not find the words to describe the phase I stumbled into from end of October 2021 to November 2022. It was a very weird phase in my journey. A period were I was testing every thing I held true in the area of chastity. All my life I wore the good girl label like a badge of honor. Wore it with pride and dignity. It was a BIG part of my identity, a huge part of who I was. Until October 2021 after that major blow out with my mom, followed immediately by what felt like a betrayal by my children - I think something broke. Not physically but emotionally and spiritually. That night I cursed at my children for even entertaining the idea of going to live with dad, his girlfriend and new kid. This was not the 1st time they romanticed the idea with me. While my logical brain knew, they were too naive and too unassuming to realize they were being manipulated and enticed with world

Lawsuits are really draining. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausting. How about a 7 year long suit with the person you chose to love for the rest of your life. The person you chose to wait till marriage for, to have children with, to have and to hold till death do us path. Its not only emotionally, physically, spiritually draining, it is crushing and heart breaking! There are days I go from happy to sad to crying then laughing...oh add in moments of irritability/anger.  It's been 7 years since I filed for divorce. I can't believe it's been that long. Not only that, but I am also really not sure how I survived - not just survived...thrived overall! Not without challenges I must add. It only shows the power and resilience of us as humans when surviving is the only option. If anyone asks me what the secret to my survival is, I will say -  community - my children, friends, church, co-workers;  TV - reality shows were surprisingly validating and a good way of

Today I stopped being my moms saviour. I told her my deepest hurt that I had locked away for years. One I never had the courage to tell her due to the super duper reverential nature of our culture. How come you did nothing when my older brother told you i was being bullied "controlled" by a friend. How come you did not believe me when I said I did not start it that my childhood friend did. How come you didnt fight for your daughter and tell the Smith's who were defending their daughter saying I started it that "I know my daughter...she will never start such a thing." It was their daughter that was the abuser. Why did you say to me that day you examined me...they said you started it, and went on your way without giving me the benefit of a doubt. Why did you agree with Lincoln's mom when they said Banke has anger issues. Why did you blast me in 2014 when I told you to please be on my side, telling you that my Ex's family support their son but you crit

 I make it to my drive way after a weekend off in the mountains with my friend Bob. We laughed, we shared, we did the touristy thing walking around, Big Bear lake, lake arrowhead, all Saturday afternoon. I love nature it makes me feel zen, more connected to God. I catch Bob's facial cue of "i don't believe in that" but over the years he and i have learned to give each other space in our beliefs or lack thereof.  The weekend was great,  only thing it lacked was my alone walk in the woods. Bob wont allow it - said there were dangerous wildlife. I think i would have gone anyways if i saw a defined trail from his home, his beautiful home up on the hill. This is one of my coping mechanisms for stress. I seek a trip, preferably a naturesque vacation where i can feel reenergized and refreshed. If i were honest with myself  I would say a big reason I escape is because i don't like being home alone. The kids gone for the weekend, week or month - home alone leads to conjure

 [10/30, 3:10 PM] Banké: Btw has therapy helped you? 6 yrs later i still feel broken 🤬 [10/30, 3:47 PM] Banké: Work Pleasure Alcohol Drugs Social activity, TV binging, Praise and worship - various forms of escapism from the minds constant churn. All in an effort to achieve a state of numbness or euphoria. A state of 'No Mind' / Satori. I give up.

Self Care Day #...: Setting boundaries with family Self care day #25: A day at SPA world Houston. Massage and naked soak in jet hot and cold tub Self Care days #...: trip to Jamaica  Self care day #36: pulled a gangsta move and drove to Pearland last night with kids and them show me where their dad lives. Time to stop being timid and serve the NMFF to court since he decided to re-open divorce case as a strategy to avoid being accountable to paying child support. Let's play ball NMFF!

Thank You all for  the birthday wishes  🤗🥳🤍💙.  Let's do it  again next year LOL!

The length I go through to fix things got me to Body and Brain yoga, Missouri City, where I met the good folks there. This time I was trying to fix the nerve pain down my neck brought about by the Jan 16, 2022 accident. No one prepared me for the soul awakening exercise that my membership in the body and brain yoga and taichi center will soon become. Finding True Self workshop was part of the package I purchased. On September 24 and 25th, I  attended the all day workshop in Cypress. It was an Interesting 2 days with some psychologically freeing and weird activities. Writing about my childhood in 3rd person then it being read out loud to me by my partner (psychologically freeing) and some "not sure why the heck they want me to eagle pose for 30 straight minutes under intense shoulder and arm pain"(weird). The pounding, beating and slapping on the chakra points -  weird. The team board game eye opening! My tendency to go with the flow so as to avoid standing out in a crowd coul

Today I quit my job. My reason to my leads. I chose me. For the first time in my life I choose me! The feeling - like I finally exhaled...after 15 looong years - 2007 to date (dooms day Sept 18) + 2014 to September 12-14, 2022 Human giver syndrome got me here and has been slowly killing me. Prolonged stress by Burnout by Emily Prolonged Stress = Adrenaline, Cortisol build up body shaking, shuttering, rage, panic, shame,  20 and 60 mind a day of physical activity. It tellsbit body that u survived the stress. Moving the body is the 1st line of attack. After math of trauma - Breathing is best. Breath in 5secs, hold 5 secs, breath out 10 secs

Good evening Aunty, please let me report my self to you ma as i know it will sooner or later get back to you. I just had a major outburst with my mom in front of mama peter and in the midst of it I went off talking about all the way she seems to only criticize me all my life. Not much and support from her when people ( tumis family, lekans family, seniors in boarding school, prayer partner pastors etc) come and lie to her that I did something wrong. Instead of giving me the benefit of a doubt she will take sides with these 3rd parties and I am left to my own. Her criticisms since my childhood (has nothing to do with her growing old now) never helped me build a healthy self esteem. I had to prayerfully build one myself in my older years. Don't think she realizes how damaged my marriage left me. I am trying to heal from the last couple of years of lekan and his family's abusive drama. Criticisms edpecially from my mom only trigger all the memories of abuse I endured from friend

I am: - Banké - the shy and timid, little Ms nice girl 珞☺ - Fey (Felicia) - the boisterous, fun and goofy 藍 - Olivia Pope - the fixer, boss lady, whip cracker, karate chopper. The no nonsense part of me. - Michael Ross - the smart one AND - Storm  - the bold and adventurous. Motocyclist, mountain climber, hiker, traveler. All small pieces of a greater whole. I joke about them being my multiple personalities - different parts of me that show up depending on the situation - sorry to my friends who have experienced all in one conversation 藍藍. I have always wondered? - was I born this way or were they birthed as a result of a need to adapt to the world I was thrown into? Basically to survive. Who knows... I want to be done psycho-analyzing myself. All I know is I feel like multiple persons in one body - nothing psychotic here, let's not go there (if anyone is reading this). But has anyone ever accepted the fact that God may have made us this way? i.e. multiple persons in on

 "Amoeba...hmmmm...what an interesting organism...sounds a lot like me." This is the thought that went through my head as i sat in class - probably primary 4 (4th grade) - and listened to the Integrated Science teacher teach us about microorganisms. Interestingly that is almost the only lecture I vividly remember from elementary (aka primary) school. Why? I can't say, my guess is I must have always been an introspective person as I still am today. I have just as much conversations with myself in my head as I do out loud, lol - if not more. Today, I don't use the phrase Amoeba, I use the phrase conflict avoider to describe myself. As the Amoeba adapts to its environment to avoid being prey to a hunting predator, so I adapted, conformed, yielded, to strong personalities in my childhood to avoid conflict and still do today - in most cases. It is this very nature amongst other things that I believe led me to marrying a malignant narcissist and all the perils, trauma, stre

 I never really much liked being alone. Right from when I was a kid. Even at Ogunlana drive, when I was 5 and under. My most vivid memory is one of me hanging out with a young man - our neighbor's, Mr. Akinosho of Animal games, son. It wasn't anything inappropriate from what I recall. I don't remember any words, play time that passed between us - most vivid memory is just one of me sitting beside him staring into the road. Whether this happened or not is beyond what my middle aged post-trauma brain is able to recall but what Ogunlana drive springs up in me is why do I have no memories of good ol times with my family, my older brother or younger? Zero memories of fam, just one of me and Uncle Wole Akinoshos son.

My childhood memories are one of a shy timid little girl who always felt 'othered' - as in not feeling like I fully belonged in any group. The only girl of 3 brothers, 2 uncles and one male cousin, I felt othered even at home.  I remember many days pleading with my mom to have a girl child. My mom indulged me for the longest, even went as far as saying her school daughter from when she was in boarding school was my sister - this at this point is a grown married woman. Nice try mummy but I wasn't falling for that one.  With a sister not forth coming, I clung even tighter to my neighbor friend, Lara. Lara was the little girl about my age who lived next door to us. She was a boisterous, adventurous, had a vivid imagination that translated to many make belief reenactment of movies we watched - especially Indian movies like Sholey. The lonely child in me looked to get from Lara what I expected my very own sister, if I had one, would give me - companionship, an ally, loyalty, com

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All my life I have never been able to take naps during the day. My mind won't stop churning, head won't stop thinking. This has not been the case lately to my pleasant surprise...God be praised! Following the emotional and psychological catastrophic end to 2021, I purposely declared 2022 a year of self care. No major goals to pursue, no side hustle to keep me running. Is this why its been easier to nap during the day? Not sure,  I doubt it because even as a child/youth with no major life goals or side hustle, I could not nap during day. To what end is our endless toil? To what end my relentless life goals pursuit? This is what I have been thinking a lot about this year. I set up and run a successful business so that? ...I can make money and retire early? So that, I can feel fulfilled? So that I can feel like I lived up to my potential? If I were to unpack each of this: So that: I can make money and retire early, so that I can own my time, so that I can spend that time doing mor